If you've worked with me lately, you'll know that I'm telling most everybody about the importance of savorying the moments when we feel support or connection. This has come up enough lately that I wanted to share a little more of why this kind of resourcing feels particularly important for this moment.
We learn very quickly from dangerous experiences, and very slowly from good experiences. This is wise ––we only need to burn ourselves on a fire once to recognize the level of caution we need to use in the future. In the instant we feel the "too hot!" sensations, we don't consider and process what's happening. We instantly react to protect ourselves and learn.
This becomes challenging when, for any number of reasons, we use that instantaneously stored memory of a danger or threat in moments when the danger isn't the same or isn't a danger at all. This doesn't have anything to do with whether or not we are discerning or curious people in our daily lives. It's because the curious and connecting part of our brain gets turned off in those moments of "too hot!" sensations or perceived threats. You can probably imagine the implications when these survival reactions take over more frequently than our connecting responses. And if our encounters with fires are happening too much, too soon, or too fast, then the quick reactions would start to feel like habits or, overtime and generations, parts of our culture.
"Trauma in a person, decontextualized over time, looks like personality. Trauma in a family, decontextualized over time, looks like family traits. Trauma in a people, decontextualized over time, looks like culture."
–Resmaa Menakem
It takes us longer (some say a whole 20 seconds longer!) to recognize and store experiences of connection in our memory. Those "good" feeling experiences or cues of connection are often stored only through their repetition or the quality of attention we give to those experiences. Part of this is good news: We learn from what we give attention to and we can deliberately build new neural pathways with our attention.
20 seconds (or more) of really concentrating your attention on feelings of connection can be profoundly nourishing for your nervous system, your mental and emotional wellbeing. When you practice savorying feeling connected and supported, feeling "good" in some way, you are teaching your mind and body to recognize "good" much more often. This does not get rid of the fires in our lives, and does not prevent or end our experiences of trauma. What it can do is set us up to be more likely to live more of our day in the mode of curiosity, discerning, and feeling connected ––open to ourselves, to others, and to the world.
That openness is where our creativity lives.
We need this part of our minds awake to be able to dream.
I do believe we need to feel connected right now, and cherish our connections. There are many fires, always, and part of the work is to look up from the fire to witness those next to us, to feel the ground we're all on and a part of. To know that we belong inside ourselves, with and to each other, and with and to the world. That is what resilience looks and feels like to me: being able to recognize connection, even in the midst of great challenges.
I hope you can practice staying with and savorying any experiences of connection –from the small moments of delight, to the big moments of wonder. I hope we can keep dreaming of a future that is for all of us, and feel our connections as we do the work to keep moving us towards that horizon.
Feeling overwhelmed, overstimulated, or disconnected from yourself? Here are some somatic resources for nurturing connection with yourself:
Orienting to where you are by looking in all directions and naming what you see, maybe the colors or the things you find pleasant or meaningful
Putting your bare feet on the ground or feeling whatever part of your body is making contact with the ground under you, and noticing what that literal support under you feels like
Breath practices, especially those that soften, slow down/lengthen the exhale
Placing your hands on your body with a soft touch, maybe on your heart or crossing your arms to gently hug or brush down your arms
Pushing your palms against something like a pillow or the wall and feeling the sensations of the push and the resistance of what you're pushing against
Moving your body in some way (wiggling, dancing, rocking, etc), and sensing the parts of your body moving
And, of course, savoring any changes after your practice for 20 seconds or longer.